Scene: the Prime Minister’s office. Keir Starmer, with a red and white scarf around his neck, is reading an Arsenal fanzine. Enter his political advisor.Advisor: Prime Minister, the Chancellor is here to see you.Starmer: Oh, right.Enter Rachel Reeves.Reeves: Prime Minister, I have decided that we are going to cut the winter fuel allowance for most pensioners this winter.Starmer: Oh, why is that?Reeves: Because the Treasury says there will be a run on the pound if we don’t.Starmer: What’s that?Reeves: You know. It’s when foreigners start selling their English money.Starmer: Oh, I see. But didn’t we call it heartless when the Tories suggested cutting the fuel allowance in the past?Advisor: Don’t worry, Prime Minister. That was several years ago and no one will remember. In any case we can always blame the Tories for getting us into this situation. You know, the black hole and all that.Starmer: Oh yes, I remember now.Reeves: I am afraid there’s no alternative. We have got to find the money to pay off the doctors.Starmer: I think I read in the papers that they are asking for a 35% pay increase. It seems rather a lot to me.Reeves: Well we won’t give them everything they want, of course. We’ll just offer them 22%.Starmer: How am I going to explain that when Laura What’shername asks me about it on TV?Reeves: You just say it’s cheaper to reach a settlement with the doctors than bear the cost of the strikes.Starmer: Well I have always been pro-trade Union. My father was a tool maker, you know.Reeves: I seem to remember your mentioning that.Starmer: But getting back to the winter fuel allowance, won’t some of the Party be upset about the cut? That Fleur Anderson, for example, who I just promoted to the Cabinet. Wasn’t she head of the Methodist Youth Action or something?Advisor: Don’t worry about her. The Whips will tell her that if she votes against the government she will be sitting with Jeremy Corbyn as an independent MP.
Steven Rose ● 47d